Rather Thin Than Healthy - Day 4 - The Cabbage Soup Diet

Inspired by our flatmate sending us a joke email entitled 'This is the diet we will NOT do' we decided to enter into the world of fad dieting. The aim? Primarily to prove our flatmate, Bitchney, wrong. But also, to see if any of them actually work.

Day 4 - The Cabbage Soup Diet

Bruno

“This milkshake is expanding in my mouth.”

I am wondering what the conversation leading to the release of this diet plan sounded like.

Dietician 1: Okay, we have six days, but we’re one short. Any ideas?

Dietician 2: Hmmm… What are people least excited to eat?

Dietician 1: Fruit and vegetables.

[Dietician 2 hands Dietician 1 the eighteenth spliff of the day…]

Dietician 2: What are we making them eat on Days One and Two?

Dietician 1: Fruit then vegetables.

Dietician 2: Day Three?

Dietician 1: Fruit and vegetables.

[Both crease into hysterical laughter, taking a minute to calm down…]

Dietician 2: Wait, wait… [starts to giggle]… I’ve an idea.

Dietician 1: What?

Dietician 2: What about bananas?

Dietician 1: Huh?

Dietician 2: A day of bananas! Come on, it’s brilliant!

Dietician 1: Nobody is going to fall for that. We’re trying our luck with the beef day as it

is…

Dietician 2: What if we tell them that they can’t eat bananas on Day One and Day Three,

but they have to eat eight bananas on Day Four?

[Short pause as they look at each other, then more uncontrollable laughter…]

Dietician 1: Bananas and cabbage soup! Genius! We’ll tell them bananas are special.

Dietician 2: Yeah, special bananas from Skinnyland. Do you think they’ll believe us?

Dietician 1: Fat people will believe anything. Pass the nougat…

Apparently the bananas are meant to stop me craving anything sweet. I don’t crave anything sweet. I crave anything. Actually, that’s a tiny fib. What I don’t want is bananas and skimmed milk. Particularly not when, as blended into a milkshake (or “milkfake”), every difficult mouthful expands like a banoffee tampon.

Drinks in Mayfair this evening (and by “drinks” of course I mean “Just a glass of tap water for me, please, and then I’m running off so I don’t foam at the mouth when the menus arrive”), which leads me to my final assertion of the day. It is perfectly possible to socialise on this diet. You won’t be any fun, but at least you’ll have the ability to clear the bar with a single fart.